If I Had A Moment
If I had one day that I could live again, or one moment to redo..
There is absolutely no question which day I would change to new.
It would be the month of March in the year two thousand three
when I made that fateful call and let known chaos in to hurt me...
I expected honor and integrity from one I knew as 'lying thief'
when it came to his children, their welfare first instead of grief.
I was backed against a wall with nowhere left to turn
and just like his rotten self he began my soul to burn.
He of course coerced whatever else he could get from me
promising to leave all three of us homeless in the streets,
if I did not give to him temporary custodial rights to be
owner of the condescending power to hold over me.
I trusted this was right
by and for my children's life.
But found instead I should have fought
and went on welfare whether or not
it cost me my pride in vain.
Now instead we pay in pain.
He robs us of joyful times and love
then continues to push and shove.
Taking innocence that can never be
returned to my children and to me.
Time and life await no one
marching on in retribution,
babies grow with unseen scars
as courts and lawyers play their farce
from evidence not proven, but heresy
while he beats me down to eventually
break the spirit he said he would, so long ago
along with my tenacious, fighting, stronger soul.
I bruised his ego; defied his wrath
and left him to sit in the aftermath
in his own earned and low shame
knowing it was his own to claim.
And as my life has shown to me
empty are the halls of honesty
for they fall upon closed deaf ears
haunted dreams for many years.
Lies take the coat of truth as they appear
more real and logical than the sheer
fantastic reality of what matters most
disappearing as a thin white ghost.
If I could change just one moment in my life
it would be the one I took as his ex wife,
to call and ask for help as any parent should
so that our children were fed and really could
learn to live in laughter instead of tears
without hunger staining younger years
and feel safe with a house and home
instead of afraid, homeless and alone.
My self contempt created by lack of vision
as I trusted a known liar without question
ignoring the sharp pain in my gut
that I feel daily now with disgust
because I actually gave him the tool
handed him the key in madness to rule
my daughters lives as well my own
our wounds unseen or never shown.
Now I live in an urn overflowing with tears
because I decided to ignore my fears,
my own intuition that steered me away
from ever regretting this fateful day...
For I chose not to listen to the voice inside
that knows- without reason without rhyme
future, present and the past
truth- instead of lies he cast.
and so it goes ...